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Am I nuts or just an old fool? - Life After 50 or No Longer Useful, Desired or Seen

About Am I nuts or just an old fool?

Previous Entry Am I nuts or just an old fool? Jun. 29th, 2006 @ 11:54 am Next Entry
My daughter is getting a divorce. She was married for 10 months, (She dated him for 10 years!), but he was miserable most of the time of their marriage and nothing she did seemed to m ake him happy. So, she started hanging out with friends more, and fell in love with one! She left because she was not happy, but I believe she didn't give it a huge try to fix the marriage because she is in love. Her soon to be ex is devistated, and says he loved her so much, and he's sorry he couldn't show it then, but she i the only thing that was ever good in her life and now his life gets worse everyday. She still loves him, but she's not IN love with him, and knows that whatever she does, even if she left the person she is seeing now (She is crazy about her and treats her like a queen), her ex would not be happy. It is entirely possible he suffers from ADD and Bi-Polar disorder.

The thing is, I still feel very bad for him. I keep seeing his face on their wedding day, he was so happy and proud! And my daughter was happy, too. She was marrying the person she adored for 10 years! But he was so sad all the time after that, and hardly spoke to her, never wanted to do what she wanted to do, and even ignored her when she was very sick.

I want so bad to tell her to go back and try to work it out and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!! SHe was sad, he was sad, but I feel like what she did was wrong, falling for someone else and then not really going all out to try and make the marriage work. Why do I feel, in my gut, that hshe belongs with her first love? I feel terrible about this, but I guess there's no way I'm ever gonna feel right about it, and it's been 6 months since she left.
Current Mood: sadsad
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From:jonqiuito
Date:August 17th, 2006 02:13 pm (UTC)

Divorced too

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The above stb ex-husband sounds like me although I would argue that I just had problems "showing" it. This "lack of attention" and money issues are the number one reasons behind divorce. Whether it's nature or nurture, it doesn't matter. ALLL divorced men and men in relationships I have spoken to, all make a plea for "cave time" or time alone or too reflect. If the woman is trying to fill up all that home time with coupleness, then the man instead of arguing will usually design an internal cave in his mind. He will withdraw.

I think the feminist notion that there are no meaningful differences between men and women can be destructive. In this case, women and relationship counselors are ignoring men's valid psycho-emotional needs; the need to be alone in the cave. If men, especially introverted or even Aspie men are allowed time to recharge, they are more than happy to give attention and flattery later.

My ex did the exact same thing; fell in love with a friend. He was playing into it the whole time and being there with attention and all while I was at home with a stepson and a newborn.







From:ohfudge51
Date:August 17th, 2006 03:14 pm (UTC)

Re: Divorced too

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AH, but that would explain some man who actually gave a damn, before it was too late. My daughter had a fever of 103 and he told her that she would get over it, and left her alone, crying. He never went to any of the plays she was involved in , or family weddings, or even to her college or master degree graduations, he made excuses that were later found to be untrue. he never held her hand, never sat next to her, never even acknowledged that she was in the room. She spent her time trying to fix his messes, when he would be so rude to friends that they had had enough of him, she would smooth it over.
Now that she's gone, she was the most wonderful women in the world and he can't live without her, when she was there, she was a piece of furniture. And yet I still feel bad for him, because I think he is just too emotionally immature to understand what the heck went wrong.
So, I don't think he wanted cave time, I think he wanted to think about himself all the time, and not about her. I also think he is manic-depressive, which can affect men and women.
From:janinphx
Date:September 9th, 2006 06:13 am (UTC)

Re: Divorced too

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And you feel bad for him? Sounds like he never gave her the love and companionship a woman wants. Be glad she got out now,which she's you. and I assume there are no kids involved. She needs your love and support right now and your approval.
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